My first radical shift happened in 2004. A new and promising sense of perception had begun to really take hold of my life. I finally forgave my parents for how I was abused and raised as a child. A tiny idea had surfaced then. I had no idea it would crack me wide open. Choosing to let go wasn't saying what happened was ok, or that I agreed with their treatment in any way, shape or form. I would not be abandoning the little-girl-me who it happened to. I could let go of the abuse, trauma and humiliation of my childhood for my sake alone. I had tried therapy with my parents in hopes of healing myself and our relationship so I could move on. My dad took responsibility but my mom, who's love and acknowledgement I desperately wanted, said she just couldn't give me the affection, love and attention I needed as a child, because she wasn't that way. I would've been happy with an apology even after her pronouncement, and ran with it. She wasn't that way with me but I knew she could be. She and my sister were super close. I wouldn't wish anything less for either of my sisters, just more for me.
My mom came to only one session expecting me to stop crying about my childhood and let it go, so we could have a relationship. I was still hung up on why she hadn't protected me from my Dad and needing to feel important to her. It was then that I gave up on depending on anyone besides Spirit and myself to heal. I just couldn't hold onto resentment any longer. I would be stuck forever if I didn't move on. I can see now releasing it was crucial if I was going to fully embrace and grow into my life purpose. I continued through years of therapy experiencing feelings I could hardly let myself bear to feel because they might ruin me, as if the feelings would be worse than the reality of why they even existed.The intensity of my feelings scared me and I sometimes wondered if what I was going through, was suicide in the making.
I discovered the book the "Power of Intention" by Wayne Dyer and "Ask and It Is Given" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I was so tired of feeling sick, angry, hurt, mad and severely depressed. I discovered that I could choose my thoughts. I could make myself feel better. I could let go of resentment for me, but still not sanction my childhood abuse. I could reach for higher vibration thoughts and feelings.
I soon left the band I was in. They let me go, because they wanted a hot guy who the girls would come see. Shortly thereafter the band dissolved. I trusted and followed the guidance I was getting to teach spiritual classes, do readings, create meditation Cd's and sing and play my music in high vibration venues. I'd been a certified Angel Therapy Practitioner and started doing readings and teaching. I'd taken the course back in 2003 but hadn't yet made the shift of blending music and spirituality together.
My vibration changed. I met new friends. I got more spiritual training. I began to feel like a completely different person. I truly did go through a dark night of the soul that lasted a few dark years. But something in me radically shifted. It felt sudden, like a bolt of lightning in spite of years of therapy and trying desperately to work it out. My life had fallen apart to be put back together again. The dark years turned into a bright light. I filled my head with happy, juicy and healing thoughts. The line in the song Tin Man on my Cd Mrs.Blue "I've always learned sorrow and I'm learning 'bout happiness," expresses how I felt when I discovered I had tools to create a happier life.
I can see now that I took on the belief that I could control everything that happened to me if I just thought the right thoughts. And if it didn't happen, it was my fault cause I didn't think the "right" thoughts. It's so like me to take it to the extreme. I was already a perfectionist with my voice and working out. And I think I believed I could erase all the times I heard, you are disgusting, you'll never amount to anything, I hate you and you're ugly. The words hurt more than the beatings. And I thought I could think it all away.
Even though I'd let the past go, those words became the voice of my resident ego. It beat me and beat me down, just like my dad did. And I wasn't supposed to talk about my feelings. I had to stay upbeat and positive and think only good thoughts. I still didn't know how to deal with my feelings...to feel and actually be with them. I had gone from being the dark foreboding wicked queen of resentment to her complete opposite...goodie goodie earthly goddess of love and light. Goodie goodie goddess's mantra was nothing bad will ever happen.
To this day I am still learning how to express my anger appropriately in a way that is healthy for me. I had tried to pretend that my past never happened. But the trauma of my past, is what made me super intuitive and sensitive. My hurt and pain is the source of my songs. It is the heart and soul of my performances. I devote my intuitive gifts to my intuitive readings and coaching. Cultivated, purified and sharpened from sorrow, they are poised to serve people in transforming like I've done, and making over their lives.
My life called again in March of last year. I was led by Spirit to come out about my past so I did. I was feeling like it's not ok to be angry or have jealous and envious thoughts, and that made me a bad or low-vibration person. When did it become a sin to feel depressed and angry? Feeling them is moving on...for instance like the grief of losing a loved one. You can't just pick up a magic wand and say I loved you...but I'm over it and the past is the past. You can't spray cologne over a pile of crap and expect it not to smell. I can influence my spiritual, emotional, and physical health with my thoughts and actions, but I can't control death. I can't will myself through affirmations, high vibration thoughts, and intention to not miss my mother...as much as I would like to. And you would think, that would somehow be possible being that we weren't close at all. My mom coming from her own childhood pain, took her pain and suffering out those around her, and me. But in her last days, I told her I had always loved her. She did apologize to me, at death's door.
My tragedy, childhood drama and grief made me the very person I am right now. I am a better friend, intuitive reader, spiritual counselor, performer, and songwriter because of it. I have deep gratitude for joy, love, happiness, pain and sorrow. I only wish I would've been able to have more compassion for the wicked queen of resentment, the fallen angel who kept me from falling apart until I could could come to terms with all of it. I wish I could have whispered in her ear, all will be well very soon...and I love you. Perhaps it's possible she could've untangled and freed herself from the twisted wreck sooner; to the relief and realization that one can be angry and joyful...sad and blissful. To know she wouldn't have gotten locked into prison forever for feeling her righteous anger...or lose the strong, courageous survivor and fighter of her truth in the light. I encourage you to share and post below if you are going through a dark night. Please share this article if you know of someone that needs to read it. Words are food for the soul...
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