Taking The Exit Off I Should Street

The Summer was a total whirlwind for me. I can't believe I haven't stopped to really contemplate it all. I moved and lost my Mother who I wasn't close to yet I still miss her so much. Whenever I didn't feel well she was always there for me.


 I think our only true intimate connection was through medicine and taking care of each other when we were sick. She never loved on me as a child or smiled when I came into a room but I felt her as much as I could through her attentiveness when I was sick. I was born ill and had many allergies to foods, environment and medications. This post isn't about my childhood but about reflection. I love to write and contemplate. It clears my Virgo Sun, Gemini Rising, thought rampant head. It is strange to love and miss someone who I knew loved me but I rarely felt it. Her Mother was hard and heavy on her. My grandmother Ruby who I worshiped as most granddaughters do, lost her Mother at a very young age. I don't have children but I've mothered many kittens to cats, friends and even clients along the way. I'll never know what it is like to have a child, but I choose that willingly. I always felt called to a different path.

I was asked to go to another Memorial Service for my Mom this weekend. I had been to two that were really good for us as a family, and for grieving. But this one was about five hours away and required a very early am start. The past week my body has been screaming at me to hibernate and rest. My skin was reacting to the adjusting climate. This Virgo Sun, Gemini Rising, Aquarius Moon has a real hard time with not DOING something, especially for the greater good. How could I not support them?! How could I not go for my Mom? It was very hard for me to say no to the trip. I didn't want to hurt my Dad's feelings or disappoint my sister who had decided to go even though she was feeling sick and her kids were sick. I had ignored the guidance I was getting to stop and rest for too long. So I post from my bed as I take time to touch down, process and nest. A very good friend pointed out I hadn't let myself process and just BE. I surrender! Grief and change cannot be scheduled or controlled.

I arrived to my current home in Michigan, two days after Mark got back from his Soul Connection European Tour. That evening I went to see my Mom who was dying of nuero-endocrine pancreatic cancer. The rest of the summer, was spent being with her and my family after her passing. I am so grateful I could do that. I moved early to be with her. Mark came a month later from Hawaii. He handled most of the packing so I could get here. He got off the plane with virus called fifth's disease and was terribly ill for a month.I was scared that I was going to get it too. It was a lot for him to handle moving alone. It is surreal to think of all that's happened. Another chapter ends and a new one begins. I need to catch up emotionally and process the summer. Autumn's colors of gold, red, orange burst now, like a rebel fire burning bright before the white and cold of the coming Michigan winter. My physical body is adjusting to the weather too. My skin craves Kona's twenty-four hour humidity and year round outdoor living in the sun. I won't be able to do this nesting and adjusting all at once, but I must start.

Being true to yourself often disappoints people. Taking the exit off of "I should street" doesn't come with feelings of guilt either, but in the end we have to look after ourselves. I am continually learning to honor myself...which means choosing to.