On my “Mrs. Blue” album there is one track that is really dark and deep. It speaks about a time I was going through in my life, where I felt I was at the bottom. I had been in therapy for about a year I think and I remember asking her if it was normal that I felt like committing suicide.Thank Goddess I had music.
In my teens and twenties, performing and expressing my feelings allowed me to have an outlet for the abuse I experienced as a child. I would’ve checked out for sure or ended up on medication...who knows really but it would’ve been bad. We all do things we aren’t proud of and have to live with it. In trying to deal with my demons, I hurt others and didn’t care. I felt unworthy, unloved and ugly too as I was told that everyday growing up.
“Down to the River” is about that part of me that wanted to check out, that flirted with disaster on a regular basis. Early on I acted on this pain unconsciously. I can’t tell you how many times I got into a car and I shouldn’t have. But later an emerging awareness began to pop up its face. I knew I needed help but I hadn’t ever wanted to deal with my issues. For so long letting go meant saying what happened was ok. I had a lot of crap to go through and face. In the never ending story there is a part where Atreyu, the main character has to walk through the Swamps of Sadness. That is what my song is about. “There is a killer and liver inside“ is a line from the lyric. “There’s a ghost in my bedroom, killer in my yard, trait in my family, joker in my cards.”I felt I had been in the Swamp for so long. I was at the bottom and was acting on my pain consciously now, knowing I could do better but I felt so bad. I felt I couldn’t change my underlying feelings at the core, that no matter what I did or how I turned out I wouldn’t be right or it wouldn’t be enough.
I told the therapist that I thought she should’ve given me a phone number to call if I was talking about suicide. I should’ve changed therapists but I kept holding out for the light bulb moment, or the healing to begin. I even went as far as thinking that it wasn’t getting better because of me. I was so lost I couldn’t figure it out.
The song speaks to the place in us that gives up, that feels like doing whatever we want without thinking about how it affects others, or ourselves. The place that doesn’t care what we are doing to ourselves either. It took time for me to get past this place and out of the pit of despair but I did.
If you are in this place please don't hesitate to get traditional counseling. Don't wait another minute and/or call a crisis hotline. These are the times you need support for sure. Adding intuitive reading sessions helps too. I have reached out to psychic-intuitives I trust for when I need spiritual insight. As always I am here for you.
Oceans of Love
XoTatiana
www.tatianascavnicky.com
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