The more I am here on this planet the less I know. As much as I wish I could control things or outcomes, I am simply lost at times. I am unfamiliar with the desert. Can I prepare for what I may find there?
In conversation am I really listening when I think I know what a friend might say? Am I really showing I care by anticipating? Do I have to strive to have all the answers or champion my schedule? Does a constant forward and pressing motion shed any sort of light, sanctuary or peace for my everlasting soul?
I went on a soul-searching journey by myself last year to Kona where I used to live. Maybe traveling alone could help me come to terms with the crises that had totally blown my life to bits. I had also developed feelings of anxiety while singing onstage, a place where I have always felt the most comfortable and secure. The image above taken with my cell phone, of the keiki pools at Old Kona Airport Beach. Keiki means child in Hawaiian. Parents often bring their kids there to swim while they watch from the shore.
In an attempt to figure out why I was experiencing anxiety while singing, I scheduled an intuitive reading with an intuitive voice coach. He began slowly asking questions. I let go and went with it. As the one usually giving intuitive readings, this was new for me. He told me my work now was to share myself and my songs, not to try to control how the show would go. He said, "Focus on bringing them into the experience of the performance. Don't try to force things to happen." What? Isn't professionalism knowing from years of experience how to captivate an audience and take control of the room?
After digesting this new information a bit, I saw the truth in it. How could I know the affect my songs would have on everyone individually? I was severely limiting the power of the music and my story, and how my story would touch other people and how my vulnerability would touch them and their story.
I don't have to have everything figured out. I find lately that when I think I do, someone or something changes. In my vulnerableness I hear what is really being said underneath words. In openness I can grow and transcend the limits I may put on myself, and other people.
We are bombarded with images of perfection and the ways we can attain that perfection. We are told we can make anything and everything happen by the power of our thoughts. As much as I wholeheartedly believe we can influence and change our lives by how we think, we can't stop our children from being sick, being sick ourselves sometimes, not getting enough sleep, people dying or losing a job.
We look at people we admire and think they must have it all together. Look how well they handle things and how strong they are? The truth is they are pretty much winging it most of the time with no exact formula. Welcome to the wilderness, the desert and not being able to see the forest for the trees, but you will find people you know there, waving hello.
Owning that you don't feel like you have it together doesn't make you weak. Admitting to deep feelings of anger, sadness or resentment, doesn't make you a non-spiritual person, it makes you real. That is vulnerability and there you will find great strength.
Please share this with anyone who may need to hear this message. I hope your week is serenely beautiful.
XoTatiana
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